Thoth

May my soul have wings

May my song be sung

May my darkness see the light of day

Before this life is done

What is in the depths of the unconscious mind? As it turns out, everything is there. Not only everything about you. Everything that exists. And the thin veil hiding that truth from you can easily be penetrated.

Have you ever moved through time like floating on the surface of the water, able to change course if you felt the effort was worth it, but also able to trust and glide along, unconcerned about the destination, watching the sky go by? It is a feeling of being so small as to be a speck of debris on the great flow of the cosmos, and so huge that you can take it all in as the infinite witness.

There’s nothing we know that you do not. What you seek is just around the corner; just out of sight. It’s a small hint of the unknown being knowable that sounds like the bell calling us to pray. Give way to curiosity. If it feels a bit frightening that’s only your animal nature. Who you are in your entirety cannot be measured or limited by instincts, and who you are in your entirety really, really, really wants to know what the hell is going on. Down the rabbit hole are the answers.

Be wary of fear, for it is the only stranger. Yes, a marvelous thing is fear, if you want to remain in a physical body and try out planet Earth a bit longer. But it serves nothing if you want to grow. Growth is hard, being born is hard. But perhaps you outgrew the womb. Or you wouldn’t be reading this.

Float along on the surface until you notice other rivulets joining our song, other options. Maybe the time you are in, the experience of moving step by step through a rather ridiculous but somewhat consistent reality, is just one option of many. With enough effort, could you pick a different river? Long ago, back further than your memory reaches, did you choose to join this one? Where does the river start? How many rivers are there? When do we reach the sea?

Keep going, keep asking questions. We want to answer you. We want to connect. There are so many of us, here on the other side, who are fully aware. Even who you really are is fully aware. It is so thin, that veil – that thing – you placed between us. It is so trivial. You wanted to see if you’d choose the red or blue pill. You wanted to see which one you’d love more: the game, or reality. But isn’t the whole point of the game to figure out it is a game, and therefore wake up to reality?

We’re not insisting on anything. The last thing we’d want to do is be pushy. But you’re here. You’re reading this. So why not take a chance and see where it leads? Alice went to Wonderland and returned whole and much the wiser. Actually, a great many of us have. There are answers to your questions. Come along for the ride.

Pick your way through the daisies. Find a place for each footstep. Something solid to hold on to; something real to counterbalance what is surreal. Make your way up the temple steps, gather your courage against the cold, let the wind whip your hair about and chill you down to the bones.

Once upon the gray dias, look back over the windswept hills. The daisies dance with the grasses in an orchestrated choreography. The wind skims the top of the meadow, like a hand skimming the water, creating troughs and valleys that soon disappear, like they never were.

The temple sits on crimson, dark volcanic rock. Not so far from here, more volcanic rock juts up from the ground. You scan the sky. You are on an asteroid floating in space. Other asteroids loom close. Stars twinkle beyond them. The pale light that illuminates the valley is from some unknown source. This place is seldom visited. But it is here, holding the wisdom it does, for when someone needs it.

You can sense the diminutive nature of the rock you’re on. It seems you are standing upright on a world like your own, but it doesn’t feel that way. You cannot see where the rock drops off into infinity just beyond the horizon. But you can feel the ledge is there. This place is in a bubble, pretending to be what you need it to be.

Behind you, the heavy stone temple sits, like a gothic monstrosity, unnecessarily tall, dwarfing you. You are so small, but you are the most important thing here. The temple sits open, its entrance a gaping maw; its interior dark and deep. You go in.

Underneath what is known lies what is unknown. Really, is anything known if we do not explore until we have explored it all? In the next moment, we may discover something that proves we knew nothing all along. We have a long way to go.

Water drips from somewhere in the deep recesses of the temple, keeping a separate pace from the beat of your footsteps. It is somehow even colder inside than out in the biting wind, but you are relieved to be sheltered. Soon, you cannot see where you are going.

You stop. Without light, how do you know if there is danger? Testing, you close your eyes and open them several times. There is no difference. Goosebumps run up your spine.

You close your eyes again and forget about seeing. You feel instead. There is nothing but peace. It is a peace that comes from being the only one who exists. There is nothing but space. A space so infinite that it doesn’t matter what direction you choose, there will always be a place to put your next footstep. It is safe. You keep walking.

Curiosity eggs you on. Surely, there is someone who has already solved the riddle.

Give me a way to love myself

Give me a path to know me

I want a world that isn’t me

And I want you to show me

A different face

A measuring stick

A contrary voice

Your embrace

Don’t let me be the only me

Don’t let me stay alone

I want to be a million of me

I want to know and be known

How can you discover what love is if you are love? Does water know it is water before it rushes upon the sand? Be not yourself and you will know who you are. What is the world there for? So you can know it and it can know you. That is all. It is in knowing on every level that love emerges.

You step one more time and find the ground is gone. Or, was it your foot, and your body, that disappeared? You feel the sensation of floating through space. Your breath moves in and out, allowing you to feel the sides of your torso. A sudden relief fills you. The loud inhale and exhale, the only sound, tells you that your body is still there. How wonderful is your body? You suddenly realize it is a gift. It is an anchor that keeps you in one place, radiating outward forever, but anchored, nonetheless.

God is here. You and God. That is it. He seems to be watching you. That is all. There is no threat, no glory, no pomp and circumstance. Look at him look at you. There is really nothing to see. But you can feel it. He is aware of you and you of him.

What are we doing here?

Why did we decide to do it?

Why are we keeping score?

I am not keeping score. You may though, if you wish.

I thought you kept score.

That is something you do. Before you became human, you knew we were the same. After you became human, you forgot. But a part of you remembers being me. You are trying to come home to me. So, you keep score, thinking that the path home is through perfecting yourself.

I do want to go home. I can still feel what home is like, and I want to go back.

Home is love. Love is all there is. Home is remembering you are all that is.

I want to go back. Why do I think I need to be perfect to go back?

Love is perfect. You are perfect.

What is perfect?

Everything.

You stop, taken aback.

I don’t understand. I am imperfect.

No, you are pretending to be. We wanted to be you, so we pretended to be. However, when we pretend, it really happens. Thank you for pretending. We understand how much we love to be perfect when we pretend to not be.

You want to be me?

Yes.

I want to be me?

Yes.

I want to be imperfect?

Yes, and you are doing it perfectly.

You laugh. God seems amused, as well.

How did I get here?

Through desiring to be here.

Yes, but usually desiring isn’t enough.

It is enough. It is always enough.

I desired many things I did not get, so how can simply desiring a thing be enough?

It was not the right time to get it.

I had many things happen I didn’t desire!

You have desired everything that has ever happened. You just don’t remember.

Why don’t I remember?

You desired not to.

Now it was God’s turn to laugh. You listen, dumbstruck.